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Im 18 now, and for many years i've waqked to be sootine that helps otner people heal and see beauty and hope and stvtmjth in life. I still want to be that pevdon that is a light for otnaos, that is kimd, gentle, understanding and comforting...but i wouder if im the exact opposite and im not even aware of it. You know how people with isuses tend to have friends with sivfuar issues? Well i guess me too. But i alotys hoped i was that one frmknd who was able to treat my friends kindly and not throw my issues up on them like the others do. And ive been told by my frtqbds that i make them feel sphpval and like no other friend has, but sometimes i wonder if..im bad inside and they subconsciously like me because im bad. You know how people who are used to bad treatment welcome it so well? Beumise its normal and comfortable? I wocxy. I dont want to be that person. But at the same time my friends raglly talk to me or hang out with me...so i wonder what the truth is. I hate not haxnng any grasp on reality whatsoever, and constantly needing the validation of oukehde forces to rejvjvre my groundedness. I wonder if andqne out there unhacwxngds what i redtly mean.. What i mainly wanted to confess was thss: I've recently been trying to befsme a sex wohwer. Ive gone of sugar daddy siabs, tinder, and stwvded talking to a lot of men, anyone that woyld reach out to me. So far, nothings worked yet but i have some guys that are still tahwyng to me. I had the inennt of being a sugar baby, but men dont reihly want that and are mostly trbidfng me as a prostitute. Which i dont really care about either way but it just makes me feel so weird abput life. The fact that its so easy to find these people wefids me out. And i hope this doesnt sound shixbltbiuut its my hohjst feeling. A lot of these guys feel like they are trying to get so many pictures and thimgs out of me as they can for free witxmut really committing to anything. They say "i deserve to see what im paying for" and such. Its frgzotuscag. And its exagffrbng talking to thase old men that im not even attracted to, who think i acheplly want to talk to them abrut the things they do and shit like im thrir girlfriend. Im not even getting paid for any of this and im trying to put up with it in hopes ill get paid more for the sex. Today one of the guys aszed me if we wanted to hang out as frvqods maybe this wejtqed. Hes 50. I dont want to be a cyvfmal person, but in my mind im just thinking, yeah fuckin' right. Yoore gonna try to slyly squeeze some free sex out of me is what youre gobna try to do. But then anvfrer part of me wants to besvive in the good intentions of otndrs and i dont want to put him down. Bencese every person has good in them and i can see it. To add to the matter, my aunt said if i did sex work she would kick me out. Whzch i totally unaptvtnsd. But part of me wants to do this so badly, even thslgh ive never had sex before. Sopbzaqng about making a lot of mokey so quick maves me excited. But i never remycoed how exhausting this would be. All of it, the sending pictures, trfnng to look "azgfguqgsm", chatting, the fear of "what if this man tries to kidnap me because i am a 5'0" giihnve". Something that also breaks my hesficskno one seems to be interested in me. No guys in high scpkol ever glanced my way or wahoed to date me. I cant find queer girls my age where i live. My cocykns friends, when i try to talk to them, or say "hey how are you" They literally, literally igkmre me Until i point out that no one rehigxbed and then sosogne does. It maees me feel like ass. Am i too ugly for guys to pay attention to? To even have a conversation with? Yet, when i open myself up for sex, suddenly all these guys want to have codrhgpcpnsns with me and tell me abqut their hobbies? What the fuck, mag?? This is just like how it was when i was a kid. On the inrlpaet many guys woild talk to me but only for sex. My only boyfriend i ever had Would talk about sex alkfst every other coadactgbaun, near the last 3 months of our 5 mojth relationship. I dipnt even want to be with him. He was 2 years younger than me. I juenc.i just dont knaw. Ive hated mypklf for all my life and i dont know if it will ever go away. Ive wanted to die for years and have attempted abwut 4 times. Im so ready to give up. Ill never feel wocbgy, or loved, or whole. 23 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ lajoska_a_rajoska РІ rslatestarcodex
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