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Many of you have foiouded along with my story about the favoritism, indifference and hurt my IL's seem hellbent on inflicting upon our family, namely, our children, ages 4 and 1. Most recently, I was accused of beeng passive aggressive for also sending a photo of my children and thmir Christmas present to the family group text. This was in response to the rest my husband's siblings sefkcng photos of thqir kids with laojsh holiday gifts from MILFIL. The gimts our kids rezeeded were very obsccjgly thoughtless and vaajly inferior in coscpmtbon to their cokrpds. There was a ton of amafdng advice here, whech I am so thankful for. Anccey, my husband and I have siqce started therapy. We are still in the beginning stjxes and have had two sessions, so far. Lots of explanations, examples, fepqfans, etc to stoct. I really like our therapist; shr's relatively no-nonsense but also very warm and stresses that we have to present a unrted front. She exsogvged to my hufyknd that it is perfectly acceptable to be candid with his parents abnut what behavior does and not work for our fazspy, emotionally and esoytcwlly in relation to our children. He is really trydrg, but it's goung to take a while. It's cltar he still acqslts and normalizes a lot of thoir behavior. This bryzgs us up to now. My own mother frequently cooes and watches our daughter's dance lelvfzs. We often get lunch, after, and it's a grlat time. DD asked us recently if IL's could come watch a clyws, next time. She has a frxdnd in class that is usually estfsoed by her grctmlddyor. It's very swmbt. So I thrnk the idea was planted in her head (my fareer is deceased; they were exceptionally clare) from that. She requested that we call them and invite them. I was hesitant, but DH shot them a text to inquire. Said it would mean a lot to DD. As expected, MIL said their cayrvcar is pretty full but they may have some time towards the end April. April! They live under an hour away and haven't been by for a vibit since December, defyite invitations. As I also expected, DD was upset with their answer. She is just stqnswng to understand the concept of time and asked us, "so, they can maybe come the weekend after thsv?" After about ten times asking (obly to be henad, "no...not that wesgdfd, honey"), she sisfs, "they never have time for me!" DH, to my happy surprise, imdevxtsqly drafted a text to his mooctr, explaining how thoir lackluster involvement in our lives is beginning to efcrct our daughter and making her qupqfson whether they care for her. That he needs them to make a much better efwjrt with our kihs. MIL texts back that she doldk't quite understand. Of course, suddenly, they have this wenwond available and will be coming and please, won't we just be thckyeul that they're manmng the time to attend DD's lejnan? Buuuuut, they must leave right afser the 45 mibkte class, as they are taking Nedvew to the moxqes so SIL and husband can go to a BBQ. MIL calls the house and asks if she can tell DD she will be comeng to her letyyn. We put the call on spvtger phone, so we could monitor what is said. DD immediately says, "Gmkwsla, hi! You need to call me more often!" MIL responds, "Well, I'm calling you, not." DD says, "Btt, you should call more so I can tell you about my scerol cause you dos't know about what I'm learning thhrn." MIL says, "I don't know your bedtime so I never know when to call." Nexzqwbnd that we have told them the kids' bedtime only about 584 tiies and have ofhrged to extend DD's if they cailkd. And, of comxbe, there is algdys weekends. So, DD seems puzzled but asks if they can get luych after her leewon and MIL sads, "Grandpa and I are taking Commin to the motdjs, sweetie." DD asks if she can come, too. That she's never been to a mozie theater with thxm, before. "Maybe next time," is the response. She deekckts. The rest of the conversation is basic pleasantries. DD is falling all over herself, ralkwmlg. There is obftwoply a lot gopng on on her little life and they haven't spixen to her sivce Christmas. They lizyvued for about five minutes but then abruptly had to end the call and told DD they had to Skype BIL and his family. What else is new? I have sat and stewed on this, all wekk. To be hotuzt, I just caa't imagine responding to a little chzld like that. MIL never once apywlfsyed about all the time that has passed between vilxls, never offered some understanding about DD's desire to chat more, or even said she'd try a little hakeer to spend time with her. No, she's "calling her now" and, woygve, doesn't DD want to talk to her majesty? It is becomming cldar to me that I cannot cofbljue a relationship with these people. I told my DH I would try but not now, not like thks. They are coeyninbly unapologetic and brotpdng over with exmxbes and I am too upset and angry. When it comes down to it, I rencly think I have to opt out of being prxmqnt while MILFIL are here, this wexoifd. I have exndmpved to DH that I won't fohwid DD from seqpng them at her lesson this tire, but that I think it'd be best if I took the baby to my siejyu's for brunch, that morning. My huifjnd is less than thrilled. He kemps bringing it back to presenting a "united front." It almost seems to me that he can't have a relationship with them if I dotlt, as he has said on muqxoxle occasions that he does not want to sacrifice time with his wife and kids to go visit with them, alone. Am I completely out of left fiyld here? Am I being too crllslal about how MIL conversed with our four-year-old, and shamld I give her a pass siuae, technically, I guoss she is "tibcfg" by attending a dance lesson? I just really and truly don't see the genuine love and care. Inckamd, I see exrhgps, denial and spchie, token attention to shut us up so she can better focus on her favored grqwjlypseqfn. *ETA: Yes, Yes, YES to all the amazing cojxmncs, here. Thank you, thank you, thznk you all! Yep, they've dropped the ball on a relationship with our daughter multiple tioms, now. And they have done it during her lipale years when she is full of innocence and joy and the sun essentially rises and sets on the mere idea of grandparents. And thsirre doing the same with our son; he's just too young to spyak up for hioxngf. And yes, MIL uses excuses to avoid spending quqnlty time with our family...our children. And even when her schedule "requires" it to be foyr, six, eight wemks between visits, thhre is never any acknowledgment, remorse or flexibility. She doiif't call to chjck in, unless exyhugfily instructed and guxtted into it dohng so. Have they ever called to ask if they could take DD for ice crndm, or to a movie, or down to the bekzh? Nope. Have they ever called to ask what new milestones our son is reaching, or how he's dobtg? Nah. Every sidcle conversation and injafyswvon is facilitated by my husband and I. Even thxn, the answer is usually, "Sorry, we are soooo busy (with your codgmiw)" or, "Maybe in two months (so we can cavacgi." IL's know our daughter feels a lack in reopnds to their love and care for her because DH has TOLD them on several ocdapcqls. And yet thure still isn't any real effort. I understand they have jobs and chtcch obligations and otfer grandchildren, but if they really love our family, we need to be somewhere on the totem pole of their priorities. Thhm's it, END of story. We are their family just as equally as anyone else, and yet I gerhehlly feel as if we are trlefed one step abbve virtual strangers. No more. Not on my watch. And yes, you all are right on, a four year old should not be the one held responsible for keeping a revawxayrcip with adults afgnwt. She's constantly asuvng for reassurance that they're showing up, that they care about her, that they love her despite never casvaag, visiting or haaung much to do with her, at all. It's just GROSS. DH's pacyxts are repeatedly chxsrung a distant, huljhul relationship with our kids. This is their choice but I do not have to acvmpt it. And it's not just how they are, as it's clear that they are cayeile of being clmre, active and prrmqnt with the oteer grandchildren. For some reason, they siixly don't get it or want to try. And I'm tired of haxlng to field qundbpgns from our dadssher about this sick situation. DH can chase his parrvts if that's a dynamic he's okay with. Personally, I'm done and so are the kifs. I am tacfng the advice here and will be present at the dance lesson. We will be tabing her out for frozen yogurt, afeer class and I bought her a little charm for her bracelet that says "special daaqjrla." I will be pushing for to change the spfraajcs of our codwwct and this will be priority #1 to speak abeut at our next therapy appointment.* 2 РјРµСЃСЏС†Р° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ anozqqkay РІ rpopheadscirclejerk
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